Venus Third Draft

Kelvin Lee Downer
April 23, 2012
Personal Fiction Piece
Mrs. DeFeo

Venus

I walked down the road doing what I do best, crying. The images will never be erased from my mind. The violent slashing, or smashing, or even the lazy shooting. The ripping of flesh, the blood. But most of all I will never forget the way he screamed and all I did was watch him twist and turn. His neck jerking and jolting vigorously.

As I put my key in and turned it the clank of the lock triggers a flashback of a hammer dropping onto the floor, covered in blood. I kick off my boots and drop my purse on the couch. I take off my jacket and throw it onto the couch as well. As I head upstairs I pass myself in the mirror and stop. I stare into my green eyes, my pale skin, my dark hair. My weapons. I stood there observing myself, running my fingers across my breasts then even lower. My breast are perfect and I have yet to find a straight man who refuses me.

I walked towards the bathroom taking off my clothes. I drop my dress around my ankles and turn the faucet on. I look at my legs, my hands, my neck. They are all perfect. I place a couple soap bubbles in the water and they instantly make the steaming water blood red. I take a second look into mirror staring at my body. I’m flawless; no wonder I get away with it. I sink into the water. The scent smells of roses and something else, something darker. I go completely under water and enter a dark paradise.

After the bath I head over to my bedroom still naked. I pull my curtains wide open so that Jake can see me. He waits there, a smile on his face, even though I know he just came back from the 19th funeral this year. His sick twisted brow raises and he tries to lick his lips. Sickening. I smile at him and press my boobs together. I still remember the day he brought the girl over. He is around 25 but this girl could have easily been 16. I watched as he threw her down on his bed and heard the blood curdling screams through his glass. I remained there knowing no one else on the block could have heard it, knowing I was the only one who saw it. Watching him escort her to her house afterwards was the most painful part, the way the girl’s father greeted him with a smile. She must have trusted him, he must have been her tutor since, after all, he was rich and he had gained it through his work with computers. He was smart, but not smart enough.

Jake and I grew up together. I was the shy girl next door and he was the popular kid. We went to school together our entire lives, yet we never smoked to each other. He knew nothing of me but I knew more about him than any other person on earth. Now, he had pained me more than any of his little friends that used to bully me, he had hurt a girl who reminded me of me. Her dark hair, pale skin, green eyes, she was like a clone. He had stripped her of her virtue and she will never trust again. I had to do something.

Ever since then I had been feeding him attention. Allowing him to look upon me but never speaking to him. He didn’t seem to want me because he knew he could get anyone with all the parties he threw. Today he had one, and I was ready.

It was now dark and the first of his friends left the house. Bingo! He strayed from the school. Time to throw my bait. I put on a short red dress and black heels. I pushed my hair back exposing my cleavage. I follow him to the train station. Once he enters the light of the station I could see him clearly. He was around Jake’s age but he was more built. I quickly looked around and realized the whole station was completely barren, not one person could be seen. He had blue eyes, dark brown hair, and tan skin. He wore a V-neck which exposed a smooth chest. His blue jeans had holes in them and he was wearing black vans.He was easily 6’3 but he still looked childlike. Something about him reminded me of Jake and that’s when I realized he was his cousin. He looked at me and I smiled then he responded by also smiling back.

“Haven’t your parents ever told you not to stare?” He asked still smiling.
“Haven’t your parents ever told you not to talk to strangers?” I responded.
“Well then what’s your name?” he asked.
“Venus” I answered with a smirk.
“Well, I’m Austin. Nice to meet you.” he extended his hands toward me. He was kind and had working hands. I reached forward and kissed it. He let out a laugh. I could smell liquor in his breath. An easy catch.
“You are not from New York are you?” he raised his eyebrows and smiled at me.
“How did you know?”  
“I know a lot of things. I like to analyze people... it’s kinda of a hobby.” I ran my fingers through my hair and pushed it back. He smiled, time to reel him in.
“No, I’m just visiting my friend. Do you know Jake?” Of course I do. I know every part of him. I’ve seen him in the nude. I know who he in every aspect of life. If I thought hard enough I would have remembered all the times Austin stayed at his house as well.
“Nope, never heard of him.”  He smiles. He knew I knew Jake yet he did not point it out.
“So, where are you going tonight, lovely lady?” He had gained an interest in me time to get my net.
“ I was going to hang out with my sister, nothing big just some movies and a few drinks”
“That sounds boring” he said, smiling at me. He wants me and he cares not about me. He’s the perfect catch. My net was now around him.
“ Well I could always go with you since you seem to be doing something interesting tonight.” I winked at him. He had a shocked expression on his face. Right there I understood he never really got much action.
“Well then, let's catch a taxi, Venus. It’s faster.”
We arrived at the apartment that Jake had allowed him to stay in while he was in New York. He opened the door and the clank brings me back the hammer.
“Wow, this Jake guy must get a lot of action since he has two places to screw girls in. He must not want anyone to track him down.” he was amazed at my ability to know everything that he thought I didn’t know.
“So, what now?” I asked biting my lower lip and twirling my hair. This always drives them mad. Even though he knew I wasn’t a bimbo for a second the illusion was there, and all jerks love bimbos. He leaned in for a kiss and I met him halfway. I wrapped my legs around him then kicked off my heels as he held me up. I observed the room as he started kissing my neck. I looked around down the hallway as he put me against the wall. At the end of the hallway I could see what appears to be a living room and I know that’s where it will all take place. Knowing jake he would make sure he has a sofa big enough for two.
“Lets go to the living room” I whisper his ear then biting my lip. Being an actor had paid off with men. He carried me there and the living room was exactly what I envisioned.The walls were covered with paintings of naked women and above the main sofa was a picture of a tiger. How typical. The living room was spacious, big enough for more than two. The center had a mahogany coffee table that was on top of a white fur rug. Above the coffee table there was a golden light fixture and on the table there was a statue of a woman pouring water out a vase onto her breast. Classic Jake. The second I fixed my eyes on it I knew that was what I needed. He didn’t turn the light on so the only source of light was of the moonlight entering the huge balcony glass door.
    Austin layed me down on the couch and started to unzip my dress. He does it gently trying to turn me on but I only let him believe he is doing so. His keys drop on the rug as he started to undo his pants. It was quite pathetic but it wasn’t as if I was going stay the long run but he was still a catch. As soon as he entered me his facial expression changes. Gratitude takes over and he stopped trying to be sexy. It was as if this was his first time. His eyes closed and he licked his lips frantically. If his eyes weren’t closed he would had seen me almost puke at the sight of his face but it was nothing I couldn’t handle. I let out a fake moan and his eyes flashed open because it was probably the first time it had ever happened. He speeds up, time must be running short. I needed to get closer to the statue.
“Lets do it on the floor, I wanna be on top,” I moaned in his ear as convincing as I could. His face shows relief and excitement. What a lazy bastard. He laid down on the hardwood floor and I placed myself on top of him. I instantly started to work up a rhythm. The statue was in reach. He closed his eyes and I knew it was time. As I grasped the statue, he was beginning to finish. I could feel his muscles jerking below me and I had to do it now. His eyes flashed opened and panic took over his face. He wrapped his right hand around my neck but it was too late. I quickly slammed down on his temple and he released his grip. I kept pounding the marble statue against his skull. I stood up and put on my dress.
“Such a shame. If you wouldn’t have been such a jerk I would have spared you,” I said smiling at his disfigured face. I headed down the hallway to his bathroom and wiped the blood from my body. I get a hand towel and start to wipe down all the places I'd touched. I made sure to wipe every print off the statue and placed it down back the way it was. I wiped my DNA off his pathetic excuse of a penis and burn the towel in the kitchen sink.
    As I left the apartment I make sure to look around. There was no one there and no cameras. This was perfect. Then suddenly my body failed me, tears start to stream down my face and I knew this was the one pathetic thing about me. You would think after 20 of his friends, I would have stopped crying.


1.  What are some struggles that you have faced as you have workshopped your pieces?  What have you done to overcome them?
-Trying to make the story more realistic when It came to action scenes. I've tried harder to put myself in Venus' place and ask myself what I would do.
2.  What did you learn about yourself as a writer as you have gone through the workshopping experience?
-I don't like to give people reasons for why a character is the way they are and just expect people to go with the flow.
3.  What theme wound up emerging from your piece?  
- Revenge is still in there.
4.  Is your piece the way you want it to be?  What else would you like to work on with it?
- I want to work more on a back story for Venus, I need to give her a purpose for killing.