Venus the Final Draft

Kelvin Lee Downer
April 27, 2012
Personal Fiction Piece
Mrs. DeFeo

Venus

I walk down the road doing what I do best, crying. The images will never be erased from my mind. The violent slashing, smashing, the lazy shooting, The ripping flesh, the blood. Most of all I will never forget the way he screamed and all I did was watch him twist and turn. his neck jerking and jolting vigorously.

I put my key in and turned it, the clank of the lock sounds like the  hammer I used on number five, dropping onto the floor. I kick off my boots and drop my purse on the couch. I take off my jacket and throw it onto the couch as well. As I head upstairs I see my reflection in the mirror and stop. I stare into my green eyes,I glare at my pale skin, my dark hair. My weapons. I stand there observing myself, running my fingers across my breasts then even lower. My breast are perfect and I have yet to find a straight man who refuses me.

I walk towards the bathroom taking off my clothes. I drop my dress around my ankles and turn the faucet on. I look at my legs, my hands, my neck. They are all perfect. I place a couple soap bubbles in the water and they instantly make the steaming water blood red. I take a second look into the mirror staring at my body. I’m flawless; no wonder I get away with it. I sink into the water. The scent smells of roses and something else, something darker. I go completely under water and enter a dark paradise.

Jake and I grew up together. I was the shy girl next door and he was the popular kid. We went to school together our entire lives, yet we never spoke to each other, not even when the incident happened.My Mom was sick and my dad had never been in the picture. I was 15 according to my mom, old enough to care for myself, I don't miss her but I am glad she waited until I was eighteen to finally die. Jake's group of friends were following me, I use to use the time to fantasize about Hollywood pretending like the insults were people chanting my name. One day, Jake finally said something to me as I reached my door.

"May I come in?" he didn't wait for my response he just pushed through and dragged me by the hair. I didn't scream, I didn't struggle. His friends watched as he undressed me and touched me. All I heard were the laughs and chants this time they weren't for me they were for Jake. They are all dead now, except  Jake.

He knew nothing of me but I knew more about him than any other person on earth. Now, he had pained me more than any of his little friends that used to bully me, he had hurt a girl who reminded me of me. Her dark hair, pale skin, green eyes, she was like a clone. He had stripped her of her virtue and she will never trust again. I had to do something.

After the bath I head over to my bedroom still naked. I pull my curtains wide open so that Jake can see me. He waits there, a smile on his face, even though I know he just came back from the 19th funeral this year. His sick twisted brow raises and he tries to lick his lips. Sickening. I smile at him and press my boobs together. I still remember the day he brought the girl over. He is around 25 but this girl could have easily been 16. I watched as he threw her down on his bed and heard the blood curdling screams through his glass. I remained there knowing no one else on the block could have heard it, knowing I was the only one who saw it. Watching him escort her to her house afterwards was the most painful part, the way the girl’s father greeted him with a smile. She must have trusted him, he must have been her tutor since, after all, he was rich and he had gained it through his work with computers. He was smart, but not smart enough.

Ever since then I had been feeding him attention. Allowing him to look upon me but never speaking to him. He didn’t seem to want me because he knew he could get anyone with all the parties he threw. Today he had one, and I was ready.

It was now dark and the first of his friends left the house. Bingo! He strayed from the school. Time to throw my bait. I put on a short red dress and black heels. I pushed my hair back exposing my cleavage. I follow him to the train station. Once he enters the light of the station I could see him clearly. He was around Jake’s age but he was more built. I quickly looked around and realized the whole station was completely barren, not one person could be seen. He had blue eyes, dark brown hair, and tan skin. He wore a V-neck which exposed a smooth chest. His blue jeans had holes in them and he was wearing black vans.He was easily 6’3 but he still looked childlike. Something about him reminded me of Jake and that’s when I realized he was his cousin. He looked at me and I smiled then he responded by also smiling back.

“Haven’t your parents ever told you not to stare?” He asked still smiling.
“Haven’t your parents ever told you not to talk to strangers?” I responded.
“Well then what’s your name?” he asked.
“Venus” I answered with a smirk.
“Well, I’m Austin. Nice to meet you.” he extended his hands toward me. He was kind and had working hands. I reached forward and kissed it. He let out a laugh. I could smell liquor in his breath. An easy catch.
“You are not from New York are you?” he raised his eyebrows and smiled at me.
“How did you know?”
“I know a lot of things. I like to analyze people... it’s kinda of a hobby.” I ran my fingers through my hair and pushed it back. He smiled, time to reel him in.
“No, I’m just visiting my friend. Do you know Jake?” Of course I do. I know every part of him. I’ve seen him in the nude. I know who he in every aspect of life. If I thought hard enough I would have remembered all the times Austin stayed at his house as well.
“Nope, never heard of him.”  He smiles. He knew I knew Jake yet he did not point it out.
“So, where are you going tonight, lovely lady?” He had gained an interest in me time to get my net.
“ I was going to hang out with my sister, nothing big just some movies and a few drinks”
“That sounds boring” he said, smiling at me. He wants me and he cares not about me. He’s the perfect catch. My net was now around him.
“ Well I could always go with you since you seem to be doing something interesting tonight.” I winked at him. He had a shocked expression on his face. Right there I understood he never really got much action.
“Well then, let's catch a taxi, Venus. It’s faster.”
We arrived at the apartment that Jake had allowed him to stay in while he was in New York. He opened the door and the clank brings me back the hammer.
“Wow, this Jake guy must get a lot of action since he has two places to screw girls in. He must not want anyone to track him down.” he was amazed at my ability to know everything that he thought I didn’t know.
“So, what now?” I asked biting my lower lip and twirling my hair. This always drives them mad. Even though he knew I wasn’t a bimbo for a second the illusion was there, and all jerks love bimbos. He leaned in for a kiss and I met him halfway. I wrapped my legs around him then kicked off my heels as he held me up. I observed the room as he started kissing my neck. I looked around down the hallway as he put me against the wall. At the end of the hallway I could see what appears to be a living room and I know that’s where it will all take place. Knowing jake he would make sure he has a sofa big enough for two.
“Lets go to the living room” I whisper his ear then biting my lip. He carried me there and the living room was exactly what I envisioned.The walls were covered with paintings of naked women and above the main sofa was a picture of a tiger. How typical. The living room was spacious, big enough for more than two. The center had a mahogany coffee table that was on top of a white fur rug. Above the coffee table there was a golden light fixture and on the table there was a statue of a woman pouring water out a vase onto her breast. Classic Jake. The second I fixed my eyes on it I knew that was what I needed. He didn’t turn the light on so the only source of light was of the moonlight entering the huge balcony glass door.
Austin layed me down on the couch and started to unzip my dress. He does it gently trying to turn me on but I only let him believe he is doing so. His keys drop on the rug as he started to undo his pants. It was quite pathetic but it wasn’t as if I was going stay the long run but he was still a catch. As soon as he entered me his facial expression changes. Gratitude takes over and he stopped trying to be sexy. It was as if this was his first time. His eyes closed and he licked his lips frantically. If his eyes weren’t closed he would had seen me almost puke at the sight of his face but it was nothing I couldn’t handle. I let out a fake moan and his eyes flashed open because it was probably the first time it had ever happened. He speeds up, time must be running short. I needed to get closer to the statue.
“Lets do it on the floor, I wanna be on top,” I moaned in his ear as convincingly as I could. His face shows relief and excitement. What a lazy bastard. He laid down on the hardwood floor and I placed myself on top of him. I instantly started to work up a rhythm. The statue was in reach. He closed his eyes and I knew it was time. As I grasped the statue, he was beginning to finish. I could feel his muscles jerking below me and I had to do it now. His eyes flashed opened and panic took over his face. He wrapped his right hand around my neck but it was too late. I quickly slammed down on his temple and he released his grip. I kept pounding the marble statue against his skull. I stood up and put on my dress.
“Such a shame. If you wouldn’t have been such a jerk I would have spared you,” I said smiling at his disfigured face. I headed down the hallway to his bathroom and wiped the blood from my body. I get a hand towel and start to wipe down all the places I'd touched. I made sure to wipe every print off the statue and placed it down back the way it was. I wiped my DNA off his pathetic excuse of a penis and burn the towel in the kitchen sink.
As I left the apartment I make sure to look around. There was no one there and no cameras. This was perfect. Then suddenly my body failed me, tears start to stream down my face and I knew this was the one pathetic thing about me. You would think after 20 of his friends, I would have stopped crying. 1. What are some struggles that you have faced as you have workshopped your pieces? What have you done to overcome them? - The biggest struggle while making this last draft was making sure everything was good enough to not make it cliche. I really didn't wanna ruin this story by using an overused idea and I still feel it is too typical and want to work on it more. 


2. What did you learn about yourself as a writer as you have gone through the workshopping experience? -I learned that I don't like to give people reasons to kill except for the fact that the person deserved it. 


3. What theme wound up emerging from your piece? -Vengeance is the main theme of the story. 


4. Is your piece the way you want it to be? What else would you like to work on with it? - I think if I add any more information it wont be as good. So no lets leave it like this even though I wish I could make it less predictable.

Venus Fourth Draft

Kelvin Lee Downer
April 27, 2012
Personal Fiction Piece
Mrs. DeFeo

Venus

I walked down the road doing what I do best, crying. The images will never be erased from my mind. The violent slashing, smashing, the lazy shooting, The ripping flesh, the blood. Most of all I will never forget the way he screamed and all I did was watch him twist and turn. His neck jerking and jolting vigorously.

I put my key in and turned it, the clank of the lock sounds like the  hammer I used on number five, dropping onto the floor. I kick off my boots and drop my purse on the couch. I take off my jacket and throw it onto the couch as well. As I head upstairs I see my reflection in the mirror and stop. I stare into my green eyes, my pale skin, my dark hair. My weapons. I stood there observing myself, running my fingers across my breasts then even lower. My breast are perfect and I have yet to find a straight man who refuses me.

I walked towards the bathroom taking off my clothes. I drop my dress around my ankles and turn the faucet on. I look at my legs, my hands, my neck. They are all perfect. I place a couple soap bubbles in the water and they instantly make the steaming water blood red. I take a second look into mirror staring at my body. I’m flawless; no wonder I get away with it. I sink into the water. The scent smells of roses and something else, something darker. I go completely under water and enter a dark paradise.

Jake and I grew up together. I was the shy girl next door and he was the popular kid. We went to school together our entire lives, yet we never spoke to each other, not even when the incident happened. I was walking home and I fell my Mom was sick and my dad had never been in the picture. I was fifth teen according to my mom old enough to care for myself, I don't miss her but I am glad she waited until I was eighteen to finally die. Jake's group of friends were following me, I use to use the time to fantasize about Hollywood pretending like the insults were people chanting my name. One day Jake finally said something to me I reached my door.

"May I come in?" he didn't wait for my response he just pushed through and dragged me by the hair. I didn't scream, I didn't struggle. His friends watched as he undressed me and touched me. All I heard was the laughs and chants this time they weren't for me they were for Jake. They are all dead now, except  Jake.

He knew nothing of me but I knew more about him than any other person on earth. Now, he had pained me more than any of his little friends that used to bully me, he had hurt a girl who reminded me of me. Her dark hair, pale skin, green eyes, she was like a clone. He had stripped her of her virtue and she will never trust again. I had to do something.

After the bath I head over to my bedroom still naked. I pull my curtains wide open so that Jake can see me. He waits there, a smile on his face, even though I know he just came back from the 19th funeral this year. His sick twisted brow raises and he tries to lick his lips. Sickening. I smile at him and press my boobs together. I still remember the day he brought the girl over. He is around 25 but this girl could have easily been 16. I watched as he threw her down on his bed and heard the blood curdling screams through his glass. I remained there knowing no one else on the block could have heard it, knowing I was the only one who saw it. Watching him escort her to her house afterwards was the most painful part, the way the girl’s father greeted him with a smile. She must have trusted him, he must have been her tutor since, after all, he was rich and he had gained it through his work with computers. He was smart, but not smart enough.

Ever since then I had been feeding him attention. Allowing him to look upon me but never speaking to him. He didn’t seem to want me because he knew he could get anyone with all the parties he threw. Today he had one, and I was ready.

It was now dark and the first of his friends left the house. Bingo! He strayed from the school. Time to throw my bait. I put on a short red dress and black heels. I pushed my hair back exposing my cleavage. I follow him to the train station. Once he enters the light of the station I could see him clearly. He was around Jake’s age but he was more built. I quickly looked around and realized the whole station was completely barren, not one person could be seen. He had blue eyes, dark brown hair, and tan skin. He wore a V-neck which exposed a smooth chest. His blue jeans had holes in them and he was wearing black vans.He was easily 6’3 but he still looked childlike. Something about him reminded me of Jake and that’s when I realized he was his cousin. He looked at me and I smiled then he responded by also smiling back.

“Haven’t your parents ever told you not to stare?” He asked still smiling.
“Haven’t your parents ever told you not to talk to strangers?” I responded.
“Well then what’s your name?” he asked.
“Venus” I answered with a smirk.
“Well, I’m Austin. Nice to meet you.” he extended his hands toward me. He was kind and had working hands. I reached forward and kissed it. He let out a laugh. I could smell liquor in his breath. An easy catch.
“You are not from New York are you?” he raised his eyebrows and smiled at me.
“How did you know?”
“I know a lot of things. I like to analyze people... it’s kinda of a hobby.” I ran my fingers through my hair and pushed it back. He smiled, time to reel him in.
“No, I’m just visiting my friend. Do you know Jake?” Of course I do. I know every part of him. I’ve seen him in the nude. I know who he in every aspect of life. If I thought hard enough I would have remembered all the times Austin stayed at his house as well.
“Nope, never heard of him.”  He smiles. He knew I knew Jake yet he did not point it out.
“So, where are you going tonight, lovely lady?” He had gained an interest in me time to get my net.
“ I was going to hang out with my sister, nothing big just some movies and a few drinks”
“That sounds boring” he said, smiling at me. He wants me and he cares not about me. He’s the perfect catch. My net was now around him.
“ Well I could always go with you since you seem to be doing something interesting tonight.” I winked at him. He had a shocked expression on his face. Right there I understood he never really got much action.
“Well then, let's catch a taxi, Venus. It’s faster.”
We arrived at the apartment that Jake had allowed him to stay in while he was in New York. He opened the door and the clank brings me back the hammer.
“Wow, this Jake guy must get a lot of action since he has two places to screw girls in. He must not want anyone to track him down.” he was amazed at my ability to know everything that he thought I didn’t know.
“So, what now?” I asked biting my lower lip and twirling my hair. This always drives them mad. Even though he knew I wasn’t a bimbo for a second the illusion was there, and all jerks love bimbos. He leaned in for a kiss and I met him halfway. I wrapped my legs around him then kicked off my heels as he held me up. I observed the room as he started kissing my neck. I looked around down the hallway as he put me against the wall. At the end of the hallway I could see what appears to be a living room and I know that’s where it will all take place. Knowing jake he would make sure he has a sofa big enough for two.
“Lets go to the living room” I whisper his ear then biting my lip. He carried me there and the living room was exactly what I envisioned.The walls were covered with paintings of naked women and above the main sofa was a picture of a tiger. How typical. The living room was spacious, big enough for more than two. The center had a mahogany coffee table that was on top of a white fur rug. Above the coffee table there was a golden light fixture and on the table there was a statue of a woman pouring water out a vase onto her breast. Classic Jake. The second I fixed my eyes on it I knew that was what I needed. He didn’t turn the light on so the only source of light was of the moonlight entering the huge balcony glass door.
Austin layed me down on the couch and started to unzip my dress. He does it gently trying to turn me on but I only let him believe he is doing so. His keys drop on the rug as he started to undo his pants. It was quite pathetic but it wasn’t as if I was going stay the long run but he was still a catch. As soon as he entered me his facial expression changes. Gratitude takes over and he stopped trying to be sexy. It was as if this was his first time. His eyes closed and he licked his lips frantically. If his eyes weren’t closed he would had seen me almost puke at the sight of his face but it was nothing I couldn’t handle. I let out a fake moan and his eyes flashed open because it was probably the first time it had ever happened. He speeds up, time must be running short. I needed to get closer to the statue.
“Lets do it on the floor, I wanna be on top,” I moaned in his ear as convincing as I could. His face shows relief and excitement. What a lazy bastard. He laid down on the hardwood floor and I placed myself on top of him. I instantly started to work up a rhythm. The statue was in reach. He closed his eyes and I knew it was time. As I grasped the statue, he was beginning to finish. I could feel his muscles jerking below me and I had to do it now. His eyes flashed opened and panic took over his face. He wrapped his right hand around my neck but it was too late. I quickly slammed down on his temple and he released his grip. I kept pounding the marble statue against his skull. I stood up and put on my dress.
“Such a shame. If you wouldn’t have been such a jerk I would have spared you,” I said smiling at his disfigured face. I headed down the hallway to his bathroom and wiped the blood from my body. I get a hand towel and start to wipe down all the places I'd touched. I made sure to wipe every print off the statue and placed it down back the way it was. I wiped my DNA off his pathetic excuse of a penis and burn the towel in the kitchen sink.
As I left the apartment I make sure to look around. There was no one there and no cameras. This was perfect. Then suddenly my body failed me, tears start to stream down my face and I knew this was the one pathetic thing about me. You would think after 20 of his friends, I would have stopped crying.

1.  What are some struggles that you have faced as you have workshopped your pieces?  What have you done to overcome them?
-The main struggle I faced was pleasing everyone on what they want. Many of my readers wanted Venus to have more of an internal relationship with Jake, to develop Jake's character better. This was hard for me because I didn't want it to be a cliche but I think I handled it well.
2.  What did you learn about yourself as a writer as you have gone through the workshopping experience?
-I learned that if I set my mind to it I can do whatever I set my mind to.
3.  What theme wound up emerging from your piece?  
-Vengeance is the main theme of the story.
4.  Is your piece the way you want it to be?  What else would you like to work on with it?
- I think I handled it in a way that I could please both my readers and myself. I still want to develop more about Jake, Venus, The Girl, and Austin. 

Venus Third Draft

Kelvin Lee Downer
April 23, 2012
Personal Fiction Piece
Mrs. DeFeo

Venus

I walked down the road doing what I do best, crying. The images will never be erased from my mind. The violent slashing, or smashing, or even the lazy shooting. The ripping of flesh, the blood. But most of all I will never forget the way he screamed and all I did was watch him twist and turn. His neck jerking and jolting vigorously.

As I put my key in and turned it the clank of the lock triggers a flashback of a hammer dropping onto the floor, covered in blood. I kick off my boots and drop my purse on the couch. I take off my jacket and throw it onto the couch as well. As I head upstairs I pass myself in the mirror and stop. I stare into my green eyes, my pale skin, my dark hair. My weapons. I stood there observing myself, running my fingers across my breasts then even lower. My breast are perfect and I have yet to find a straight man who refuses me.

I walked towards the bathroom taking off my clothes. I drop my dress around my ankles and turn the faucet on. I look at my legs, my hands, my neck. They are all perfect. I place a couple soap bubbles in the water and they instantly make the steaming water blood red. I take a second look into mirror staring at my body. I’m flawless; no wonder I get away with it. I sink into the water. The scent smells of roses and something else, something darker. I go completely under water and enter a dark paradise.

After the bath I head over to my bedroom still naked. I pull my curtains wide open so that Jake can see me. He waits there, a smile on his face, even though I know he just came back from the 19th funeral this year. His sick twisted brow raises and he tries to lick his lips. Sickening. I smile at him and press my boobs together. I still remember the day he brought the girl over. He is around 25 but this girl could have easily been 16. I watched as he threw her down on his bed and heard the blood curdling screams through his glass. I remained there knowing no one else on the block could have heard it, knowing I was the only one who saw it. Watching him escort her to her house afterwards was the most painful part, the way the girl’s father greeted him with a smile. She must have trusted him, he must have been her tutor since, after all, he was rich and he had gained it through his work with computers. He was smart, but not smart enough.

Jake and I grew up together. I was the shy girl next door and he was the popular kid. We went to school together our entire lives, yet we never smoked to each other. He knew nothing of me but I knew more about him than any other person on earth. Now, he had pained me more than any of his little friends that used to bully me, he had hurt a girl who reminded me of me. Her dark hair, pale skin, green eyes, she was like a clone. He had stripped her of her virtue and she will never trust again. I had to do something.

Ever since then I had been feeding him attention. Allowing him to look upon me but never speaking to him. He didn’t seem to want me because he knew he could get anyone with all the parties he threw. Today he had one, and I was ready.

It was now dark and the first of his friends left the house. Bingo! He strayed from the school. Time to throw my bait. I put on a short red dress and black heels. I pushed my hair back exposing my cleavage. I follow him to the train station. Once he enters the light of the station I could see him clearly. He was around Jake’s age but he was more built. I quickly looked around and realized the whole station was completely barren, not one person could be seen. He had blue eyes, dark brown hair, and tan skin. He wore a V-neck which exposed a smooth chest. His blue jeans had holes in them and he was wearing black vans.He was easily 6’3 but he still looked childlike. Something about him reminded me of Jake and that’s when I realized he was his cousin. He looked at me and I smiled then he responded by also smiling back.

“Haven’t your parents ever told you not to stare?” He asked still smiling.
“Haven’t your parents ever told you not to talk to strangers?” I responded.
“Well then what’s your name?” he asked.
“Venus” I answered with a smirk.
“Well, I’m Austin. Nice to meet you.” he extended his hands toward me. He was kind and had working hands. I reached forward and kissed it. He let out a laugh. I could smell liquor in his breath. An easy catch.
“You are not from New York are you?” he raised his eyebrows and smiled at me.
“How did you know?”  
“I know a lot of things. I like to analyze people... it’s kinda of a hobby.” I ran my fingers through my hair and pushed it back. He smiled, time to reel him in.
“No, I’m just visiting my friend. Do you know Jake?” Of course I do. I know every part of him. I’ve seen him in the nude. I know who he in every aspect of life. If I thought hard enough I would have remembered all the times Austin stayed at his house as well.
“Nope, never heard of him.”  He smiles. He knew I knew Jake yet he did not point it out.
“So, where are you going tonight, lovely lady?” He had gained an interest in me time to get my net.
“ I was going to hang out with my sister, nothing big just some movies and a few drinks”
“That sounds boring” he said, smiling at me. He wants me and he cares not about me. He’s the perfect catch. My net was now around him.
“ Well I could always go with you since you seem to be doing something interesting tonight.” I winked at him. He had a shocked expression on his face. Right there I understood he never really got much action.
“Well then, let's catch a taxi, Venus. It’s faster.”
We arrived at the apartment that Jake had allowed him to stay in while he was in New York. He opened the door and the clank brings me back the hammer.
“Wow, this Jake guy must get a lot of action since he has two places to screw girls in. He must not want anyone to track him down.” he was amazed at my ability to know everything that he thought I didn’t know.
“So, what now?” I asked biting my lower lip and twirling my hair. This always drives them mad. Even though he knew I wasn’t a bimbo for a second the illusion was there, and all jerks love bimbos. He leaned in for a kiss and I met him halfway. I wrapped my legs around him then kicked off my heels as he held me up. I observed the room as he started kissing my neck. I looked around down the hallway as he put me against the wall. At the end of the hallway I could see what appears to be a living room and I know that’s where it will all take place. Knowing jake he would make sure he has a sofa big enough for two.
“Lets go to the living room” I whisper his ear then biting my lip. Being an actor had paid off with men. He carried me there and the living room was exactly what I envisioned.The walls were covered with paintings of naked women and above the main sofa was a picture of a tiger. How typical. The living room was spacious, big enough for more than two. The center had a mahogany coffee table that was on top of a white fur rug. Above the coffee table there was a golden light fixture and on the table there was a statue of a woman pouring water out a vase onto her breast. Classic Jake. The second I fixed my eyes on it I knew that was what I needed. He didn’t turn the light on so the only source of light was of the moonlight entering the huge balcony glass door.
    Austin layed me down on the couch and started to unzip my dress. He does it gently trying to turn me on but I only let him believe he is doing so. His keys drop on the rug as he started to undo his pants. It was quite pathetic but it wasn’t as if I was going stay the long run but he was still a catch. As soon as he entered me his facial expression changes. Gratitude takes over and he stopped trying to be sexy. It was as if this was his first time. His eyes closed and he licked his lips frantically. If his eyes weren’t closed he would had seen me almost puke at the sight of his face but it was nothing I couldn’t handle. I let out a fake moan and his eyes flashed open because it was probably the first time it had ever happened. He speeds up, time must be running short. I needed to get closer to the statue.
“Lets do it on the floor, I wanna be on top,” I moaned in his ear as convincing as I could. His face shows relief and excitement. What a lazy bastard. He laid down on the hardwood floor and I placed myself on top of him. I instantly started to work up a rhythm. The statue was in reach. He closed his eyes and I knew it was time. As I grasped the statue, he was beginning to finish. I could feel his muscles jerking below me and I had to do it now. His eyes flashed opened and panic took over his face. He wrapped his right hand around my neck but it was too late. I quickly slammed down on his temple and he released his grip. I kept pounding the marble statue against his skull. I stood up and put on my dress.
“Such a shame. If you wouldn’t have been such a jerk I would have spared you,” I said smiling at his disfigured face. I headed down the hallway to his bathroom and wiped the blood from my body. I get a hand towel and start to wipe down all the places I'd touched. I made sure to wipe every print off the statue and placed it down back the way it was. I wiped my DNA off his pathetic excuse of a penis and burn the towel in the kitchen sink.
    As I left the apartment I make sure to look around. There was no one there and no cameras. This was perfect. Then suddenly my body failed me, tears start to stream down my face and I knew this was the one pathetic thing about me. You would think after 20 of his friends, I would have stopped crying.


1.  What are some struggles that you have faced as you have workshopped your pieces?  What have you done to overcome them?
-Trying to make the story more realistic when It came to action scenes. I've tried harder to put myself in Venus' place and ask myself what I would do.
2.  What did you learn about yourself as a writer as you have gone through the workshopping experience?
-I don't like to give people reasons for why a character is the way they are and just expect people to go with the flow.
3.  What theme wound up emerging from your piece?  
- Revenge is still in there.
4.  Is your piece the way you want it to be?  What else would you like to work on with it?
- I want to work more on a back story for Venus, I need to give her a purpose for killing.

Venus Second Draft

I walked down the road doing what I do best, crying. The images will never be erased from my mind. The violent slashing, or smashing, or even the lazy shooting. The ripping of flesh, the blood. But most of all I will never forget the way they screamed and all I did was watch him twist and turn. His neck jerking and jolting vigorously.

As I put my key in and turned it the clank of the of the lock triggers a flashback of a hammer dropping to the floor, covered in blood. I kick off my shoes and drop my purse on the couch. I take off my jacket and throw it onto the couch as well. As I head upstairs I pass myself in the mirror and stop. I stare into my green eyes, my pale skin, my dark hair. My weapons. I stood there observing myself, running my fingers across my breasts then even lower. My breast are perfect and perky and I have yet to find a straight man who refuses me.

I walked towards the bathroom taking off my clothes. I drop my dress around my ankles and turn the faucet on. I look at legs, my hand, my neck. They are all perfect. I place a couple soap bubbles and they instantly make the steaming water blood red. I take a second look into mirror staring at my body. I’m flawless, no wonder I get away with it. I sink into the water. The scent smells of roses and something else something darker. I go completely under water and enter a dark paradise.

After the bath I head over to my bedroom still naked. I pull my curtains wide open so that Jake can see me. He waits there a smile on his face. His sick twisted brow raises and he tries to lick his lips. Sickening. I smile at him and press my boobs together. I still remember the day he brought the girl over. He is around 25 but this girl could have easily been 16. I watched as he threw her down on his bed and heard the blood curdling screams through his glass. I remained there knowing no one else on the block could have heard it. Knowing I was the only one who saw it. Ever since then I had been feeding him attention. Allowing him to look upon me but never speaking to him. He didn’t seem to want me because he knew he could get anyone with all the parties he threw. Today was one.

It was now dark and the first of his friends left the house. Bingo he had strayed from the school. Time to throw my bait. I put on a short red leather dress and put on black heels. I pushed my hair back exposing my cleavage. I follow him to the train station once he enters the light of the station I can see him clearly. He was around Jake’s age but he was more built. I quickly look around and realize the whole station is completely barren, not one person could be seen. He had blue eyes, dark brown hair, and tan skin. He wore a V-neck which exposed a smooth chest. His blue jeans had holes on them and he was wearing black vans.He was easily 6’3 but he still looked childlike. He looked at me and I smiled then he responded by also smiling back.

“Havent your parents ever told you not to stare?” He asked still smiling.
“Havent your parents ever told you not to talk to strangers?” I responded.
“Well then what’s your name?” he asked.
“Venus” I answered with a smirk.
“Well I’m Austin, nice to meet you.” he extended his hands toward me. He was kind and had working hands. I reached forward and kissed it. He let out a laugh. I could smell liquor in his breath. An easy catch.
“You are not from New York are you?” he raised his eyebrows and smiled at me.
“How did you know?”  
“I know a lot of things. I like to analyze people... it’s kinda of a hobby.” I ran my fingers through my hair and pushed it back. He smiled, time to reel him in.
“No, I’m just visiting my friend. Do you know Jake?” Of course I do. I know every part of him. I’ve seen him in the nude. I know who he in every aspect of life.
“Nope, never heard of him.”  He smiles. He knew I knew yet he didn’t point it out.
“So where are you going tonight?” He had gained an interest in me time to get my net.
“ I was going to hang out with my sister, nothing big just some movies and a few drinks”
“That sounds boring” He said smiling at me. He wants me and he cares not about me. He’s the perfect catch. My net was now around him.
“ Well I could always go with you since you seem to be doing something interesting tonight.” I winked at him. He had a shocked expression on his face. Right there I understood he never really got much action.
“Well then, let's catch a taxi Venus it’s faster.”
We arrived at the apartment that jake had allowed him to stay in while he was in New York. He opened the door and the clank brings me back the hammer.
“Wow this Jake guy must get a lot of action since he has two places to screw girls in. He must not want anyone to track him” he was amazed at my ability to know everything he thought I didn’t knew.
“So what now?” I asked biting my lower lip and twirling my hair. This always drives them mad. Even though he knew I wasn’t a bimbo for a second the illusion was there, and all jerks love bimbos. He leaned in for a kiss and I met him halfway. I wrapped my legs around him then kicked off my heels as he held me up. I observed the room as he started kissing my neck. I look around down the hallways as he put me against the wall. At the end of the hallway I can see what appears to be a living room and I know that’s where it will all take place. Knowing jake he would make sure he has a sofa big enough for two.
“Lets go to the living room” I whisper his ear then biting my lip. Being an actor paid off with men. He carried me there and the living room was exactly what I envisioned.The walls were covered with paintings of naked women and above the main sofa was a picture of a tiger. How typical. The living room was spacious, big enough for more than two. The center had a mahogany coffee table that was on top of a white fur rug. Above the coffee table there was a golden light fixture and on the table there was a statue of a woman pouring water out a vase onto her breast. Classic Jake. The second I fixed my eyes on it I knew that was what I needed. He didn’t turn the light on so the only source of light was of the moonlight entering the huge balcony glass door.
Austin layed me down on the couch and starts unzip my dress. He does it gently trying to turn me on but I only let him believe he is doing so. His keys drop on the rug and starts to undo his pants. It was quite pathetic but it wasn’t as if I was going to go out with him but he was still a catch. As soon as he enters me his facial expression changes. Gratitude takes over and he stops trying to be sexy. It was as if this was his first time. His eyes closed and he licked his lips frantically. If his eyes weren’t closed he would have seen me overcome with disgust. I let out a fake moan and his eyes flashed open because it was probably the first time it had ever happened. He speeds up, time must be running short. I needed to get closer to the statue.
“Lets do it on the floor, I wanna be on top” I moaned in his ear as convincing as I could. His face shows relief and excitement. What a lazy bastard. He laid on the hardwood floor and I placed myself on top of him. I instantly started to work up a rhythm. The statue was in reach. He closed his eyes and I knew it was time. As I grasped the statue, he was beginning to finish. I could feel his muscles jerking below me and I had to do It now. His eyes flashed opened and panic took over his face. He wrapped his right hand around my neck but it was too late. I quickly slam down on his temple and he releases his grip. I kept pounding the marble statues against his skull. I stood up and put on my dress.
“Such a shame. If you wouldn’t have been such a jerk I would have spared you” I said smiling at his disfigured face. I head down the hallway to his bathroom and wipe the blood from my body. I get a hand towel and start to wipe down all the places I've touched. I make sure to wipe every print off the statue and place it down back the way it was. I wipe my DNA off his pathetic excuse of a penis and burn the towel in the kitchen sink.
As I leave the apartment I make sure to look around. There was no one there and no cameras. This was perfect. Then suddenly my body fails me. Tears start to stream down my face and I know this is the one pathetic thing about me. You would think after 20, I would have stopped crying.




1.  What are some struggles that you have faced as you have workshopped your pieces?  What have you done to overcome them?
-One of the struggles I had while work shopping is finding other ways to phrase what I was trying to say to make it clearer for them. I've kept trying and so far it has been easier to do so.
2.  What did you learn about yourself as a writer as you have gone through the workshopping experience?
-I've learned that I make a lot of typos when I write.
3.  What theme wound up emerging from your piece?  
-Revenge became a theme after I was told I needed a reason.
4.  Is your piece the way you want it to be?  What else would you like to work on with it?
-I want to work more on developing Venus.

Venus First Draft

   I walked down the road home doing what I do best, Crying. The images will never be erased from my brain. The violent slashing, the ripping of the flesh, the blood. But most of all I will never forget the way he screamed for me and all I did was watch him twist and turn. His neck Jerking and jolting vigorously.
   As I put my key in and turn it the clank of the lock makes me jump. I drop my bag onto the floor, remove my jacket and throw it on the couch. I walk past the mirror. My dark hair, green eyes, tan skin, my weapons. I stood there observing myself for a while. The I walked towards the bathroom. I drop my dress around my ankles and turn the faucet on. I Look at my hands they are perfect in every way. I hate it.
   My breasts are every man's fantasy, and my figure is to die for. I put soap bubbles in the water that turn it blood red. I undress beginning to step into the blood bath. I sink into the water. The heat stimulates me. I fade into a dark paradise dreaming of my next victim.
   After the bath I head over to my bedroom still naked. I open my curtains wide open. I open my closet and pick out a tight red dress and black heels. I've got good bait. I put on my strongest perfume and walked out the door.
   It was now dark and the street lights were on. You could only hear the click clack of my shoes. I push my hair back over my shoulders making sure my bust is exposed. I arrive at the train station ten past eleven and the place was deserted. The three weeks I've been fishing I've seen the subway without a living soul inside it. I walk towards the end where I notice one of the pillars is oddly shaped and then I see him. A man around 25, blue eyes, dark hair, and broad shoulders appeared in sight. His skin was tan and he wore a v-neck which exposed a lot of his chest. Bingo.
   I stood near him while staring at his delicious features. He glanced over at me and smiled.
"Haven't your parents ever told you not to stare?" His voice was like honey.
"Haven't yours told you not to talk to strangers?" I said leaning forward so that my bust could show.
"Well then what's your name?" he asked.
"Venus" I said smiling at him.
"Well I'm Austin, nice to meet you" he extended his hand toward me, it was strong.
"Nice to meet you too." He was nice, and strong probably not from New York. " So you're not from around here are you?" He raised his eyebrows and smiled.
"How did you know?"
"I know a lot of things, I like to analyze people...it's kinda like a hobby, really." I run my fingers through my hair and push it back. He smiled. Time to reel him in. "You don't live around here do you?"
"No, I'm just visiting my friend. Do you know Jake?" Of course I do. He lives across from me. Usually he has two or three girls over in one week. He likes to leave his curtains open for me just like I do for him. I know he's spoken about me to him.
"Nope, never heard of him." He smiles. I was right.
" So where are you going tonight?" He had gained an interest in me time to get my net.
"I was going to hang out with my sister, maybe get a drink or two"
"That sounds boring" He says. He past the dumb test I got him in my net.
""Well, I could always go with you since you seem to be going home" he had that shocked expression on his face again."Told you"
"Well then, wanna catch a taxi since this train seems to be delayed."
"Sure" I respond.
   We arrive at the apartment he said Jake used when he wanted a change in scenery.
"Wow this Jake guy must get a lot of action since he doesn't want women tracking him down" again he was amazed at my ability to know everything I "didn't" know.
"So now what?" He asked.
"I don't know what do you want to do?" I ask with my most seductive voice. He leans forward and starts to kiss me. I wrap my legs around his wide body and kick off my heels. I observe the room as he starts to kiss my neck. I look around down the hallway seeing two open doors and at the end what appears to be a living room with big windows. Knowing the Jake the sofas were big also.
"Lets go to the living room" I whisper in his ear.
   He carries me and it was exactly what I envisioned. It was spacious with a fur rug and leather sofas. There were statues of naked women and there was a flat screen TV up on the right wall. A fancy light fixture hung from the ceiling and the moonlight coming in from the balcony reflected on it. Austin lays me down on the couch and starts to raise my dress. His keys drop on the floor as he frantically tries to unbuckle his pants. I search the room and find a ceramic statue of a woman pouring water on her bare breasts. As soon as he enters me I look at his face. His eyes were shut and his tongue furiously licked his lips. He wasn't a virgin but he wasn't experienced. I let out a fake moan which makes him think he's doing great.
   He speeds up, time must be running short. The statue is on the coffee table which only has a few coasters and a playboy magazine. I have to get closer.
"On the floor, I wanna be on top." I moan in his ear trying to quicken my breath.
"Okay he says. He lays on the ground and I take off his v-neck revealing chiseled features. I start to go to work rocking my body back and forth until he starts to lick his lips again. Got you. The second he closes his eyes I reach fort the statue it must have been around a pound. I quicken my rhythm knowing he was almost done the quickly slam down on his temple. He was instantly knocked out. Then I swung once more until I heard a crack. I observed his still muscles and his tan skin under the moonlight. He was so perfect.
   I search his bathroom and managed to find enough to freshen up with. I grab a hand towel and start to wipe my prints off everything I touched, then I recall the amount of women who must have touched this place and stopped. I place the statue back and wipe it down. I lift his limp body and find the keys under his armpit. He was so clueless. After I put on my heels and walk away the tears already starting to stream down my face. You would think after 20, I would have stopped crying.

Response:
   This piece was a difficult piece to write because I hardly ever write about sex and so this was a big challenge. I wanted to write a piece that had an interesting character who was nothing like me so I created Venus. This piece was fun for me because it was a killing scene and so the sex part was not as difficult. I feel like I failed in adding an interesting setting for my story and I need to add more of that.

Journal #7

        My daddy had told me I could be anything he once said I could jump to the moon if I wish hard enough. My daddy is really strong he can lift up my mom and spin her around and they laugh for hours. My daddy told me not to put things in the toaster that are not bread. I'm a big girl and I know not to put things that are not bread in there.Every night my daddy tucks me in and kisses me in the forehead and says good night princess. Every Saturday he would take to the pond to catch fishes. He says I can't use the big pole by myself yet because I'm not big but he lets me hold it and helps with it. He catch a lot of fish and he tells me it's because I'm his lucky charm, I don't know why daddy called me cereal but I kissed him in the cheek and called him silly. 
      One day daddy wasn't there when I woke up and when I went to sleep he didn't tuck me in. Mommy said he had to do something very important and I asked her if he was jumping to the moon and she smiled. All day I sit and wait even when Mommy is teaching me things I look and look at the door. Every day I make daddy toast and I put it on a plate with a flower on it. Mommy touched it one day and I said don't touch it daddy will come. The flower changed a different color so mommy threw it away and so did the bread. A lot of time passes by and I don't see daddy. I wait and wait but he don't come. I don't leave the door because I want to hug him when he comes in. Mommy cries a lot but I don't cry I tell her don't cry mommy daddy is gonna come back and she cries still so I call her baby! 
      Another day I color a picture for Mommy so she doesn't cry. I color daddy and mommy laughing and spinning and she cries, I tell her not to cry because I don't cry and she smiles. I don't know why she cries so much and I think my drawing is bad but she says its good and hangs it up by the toaster. One day I hear a knock on the door and I run for it I jump and jump calling Mommy! Mommy! and she opens it. A man comes in with daddy's shoes and a flag and Mommy starts to cry. I don't know why she cries but I tell her don't cry that the next time it will be daddy but she doesn't listen to me.She tells me to remember daddy and I say cross my heart. I ask the man where is daddy? why does he not call me? Is he coming back? And he says "he told me to tell you he jumped to the moon". 

Reflection #5

Title of Short Story: The Veldt

Author: Ray Bradbury

1. Who is the protagonist? What is their want or desire? What are some character traits that are important to note about this protagonist?
-The protagonist are the two parents who wish to go back to older ideas. They want to go back to the traditional ways and not depend on their high tech house to do everything for them.

2. Is there an antagonist? If so, what are they trying to stop the protagonist from achieving and why? If there is not an antagonist, what is the conflict for the protagonist and what force is stopping them?
-The antagonist are the kids who refuse to allow their high tech nursery that makes everything come alive be turned off. 

3. What is the theme of the story? Which techniques are used in order to develop the message within this story?

- The theme is the greed. The kids go to *SPOILER ALERT* the extreme of killing their parents just to keep the nursery. Bradbury uses detail to explain how realistic the nursery is and it really makes the setting come alive. 

4. What is the author’s tone within the story? Which techniques help develop the author’s voice?

- The tone switches from happy, to scared, to dark, to scary. Bradbury uses great description to make the story come alive specially the setting. He uses a lot of metaphors to help you feel what they feel and he tends to end with a tragic ending.

5. What is the crisis action in this story? Does the protagonist achieve in getting what they want? What to they realize and how do they change?
-The Crisis action is when the parents are locked in the nursery by their own kids. The protagonist in the end do not get what they wanted.
6. What did you enjoy about this story? (Be specific….point out specific quotes and techniques to support your answer.) 

-My favorite part was the excellent detail and the tragic ending. 

Reflection #2

Title of Short Story: The Highway

Author: Ray Bradbury

1. Who is the protagonist? What is their want or desire? What are some character traits that are important to note about this protagonist?
-The Protagonist is Hernando and his ultimate goal is to not worry about the end of the world. He just wishes to spend the last moments on earth peacefully.

2. Is there an antagonist? If so, what are they trying to stop the protagonist from achieving and why? If there is not an antagonist, what is the conflict for the protagonist and what force is stopping them?

- The antagonist in this story would be the young man he is helping because he is the one that is asking Hernando why he is not fleeing. He is not prevent Hernando from staying but he does make Hernando think his plan over.
3. What is the theme of the story? Which techniques are used in order to develop the message within this story?

-The theme of this story is being strong, not living life in fear. Hernando doesn't let the end of the world bother him. Bradbury uses vernacular to show that Hernando is Mexican and of a more simplistic nature. This helps the reader understand that Hernando doesn't really let this news affect him but he does question it.

4. What is the author’s tone within the story? Which techniques help develop the author’s voice?
-The tone is serious and innocent. Hernando's character seems to not be so worried about the end and it makes sense because he seems to be a nice person therefore he has nothing to worry about. Bradbury likes to end his stories with a line that keeps you thinking and you kinda want to know more but at the same time you are fulfilled with the ending.

5. What is the crisis action in this story? Does the protagonist achieve in getting what they want? What to they realize and how do they change?
-The Crisis action of this story is when Hernando is informed that the world is ending. He still doesn't worry too much but he does want to understand what they meant by the world. I think he didn't really understand them there fore ignorance is bliss in his case.

6. What did you enjoy about this story? (Be specific….point out specific quotes and techniques to support your answer.) 

-I enjoyed the Idea of the world ending because I've considered that topic for the project.

Reflection #4

Title of Short Story: Kaleidoscope 

Author: Ray Bradbury

1. Who is the protagonist? What is their want or desire? What are some character traits that are important to note about this protagonist?

      The protagonist is Hollis and his desire is that he just wants to die in peace. He hasn't accomplished much with his life so he is upset at the fact that he must die this way.
2. Is there an antagonist? If so, what are they trying to stop the protagonist from achieving and why? If there is not an antagonist, what is the conflict for the protagonist and what force is stopping them?

The main antagonist is space but another antagonist is Applegate who tries to bring Hollis down at the begging but the apologizes. 

3. What is the theme of the story? Which techniques are used in order to develop the message within this story?

The theme of this story is Death and Anarchy. Bradbury uses a lot of metaphors and limited 3rd person so that you feel what Hollis is feeling inside. 

4. What is the author’s tone within the story? Which techniques help develop the author’s voice?

The tone is very dark since it describes how hysteria is building inside of all the men as they reach their doom. The way the author depicts the emotions of Hollis really help explain the situation well.

5. What is the crisis action in this story? Does the protagonist achieve in getting what they want? What to they realize and how do they change?

The Crisis action in this story is when Hollis realizes he is going to die alone and seems to come to piece with that instead of fighting it. 

6. What did you enjoy about this story? (Be specific….point out specific quotes and techniques to support your answer.) 



I enjoyed that it didn't have a happy ending and it ended clearly and with no lead towards another story.

Journal #6

I walked towards the park for my afternoon smoke. The sun was bright outside and the clouds seemed to be avoiding it. I haven't heard from Effy or Freddie in a while but I didn't mind it really. As I reached the park I saw two squirrels battling it out they scratched at each other furiously until one finally managed to scare the other one off. I followed the little guy who ran towards another squirrel and then they ran away together. He won the girl. What were the odds that I would see this happen. I kept walking and then I saw them. Effy and Freddie kissing on our bench. The bench were we swore we wouldn't fight over her. I couldn't control this burning sensation inside me. It was as if someone had lit a fire inside me. Why would they do this to me?
"Cook!" Effy shouted as she noticed me but now it was to late.
"You bitch!" I shouted and then I blacked out. Next thing I know I open my eyes a brick on my hand, blood on my shirt, and Effy was dead. Her head bashed in like a melon.
"Cook, put it down. You killed her! Put it down!" A crowd of people appeared and I chased after Freddie. We ran through the park jumping over fences, cutting through the bushes. It was as if my body was no longer listening to me and it was just doing whatever it pleased.
"Cook stop! I'm sorry! I loved her!" His words didn't stop me I lunged forward grabbing his shirt. Freddie managed to take it off and got away. I raised my hand and threw the brick as hard as I could. A loud crack echoed through the air and he fell. The clouds finally managed to cover the sun and suddenly I was freed from my wild side. I looked at my hand and then it hit me "run" I said to myself. I began to run as hard as I could. The siren echoed through the air and it began to drizzle. I ran faster and faster into the woods of the park. I jumped over roots, dodged branches, and avoided trees. "Faster" my brain was forcing me to survive. Sweat was running down my face, my hands frantically trying to wipe the sweat away from my eyes.
  A loud gun shot was heard and I felt instant pain on my right ear. "You're hit" my brain says but for some reason I keep running, my hand shooting up to my ear. Bam, another one but this time it misses, it hits a tree next to me and I keep running. The ground below me becomes denser and the drizzle turned into a storm. Boom, "Its just thunder" I say to myself. I couldn't hear anything else but the rain pouring on the trees, I could feel my legs beginning to give out, my throat felt as if were on fire. I keep running even though it was getting harder to see. I could hear barking in the distance. It was getting harder and harder to breathe, and harder and harder to stay steady. I began to think about Effy and Freddie, I had killed them. They are dead now.
  Blood was gushing down my right side and I could do nothing but run. I see Freddie's neck cracking again at the impact of the brick, and for the first time I see Effy pleading for help and reaching for Freddie as I bashed her in the side of the head. Instantly I trip over a root and impale into a branch. Air escapes me and I instantly scream out in agony. Blood pours out my mouth and I see the world become black. "You lost" my brain said.

Reflection #3

Title of Short Story: All Summer in a Day

Author: Ray Bradbury

1. Who is the protagonist? What is their want or desire? What are some character traits that are important to note about this protagonist?

There is no clear protagonist in this story but we do get a sense of what the whole class's desire is which is to see the sun and enjoy the warmth it provides. The class is a kindergarten class and they live on a planet that it is always raining therefore the sun is something they rarely see on their planet.

2. Is there an antagonist? If so, what are they trying to stop the protagonist from achieving and why? If there is not an antagonist, what is the conflict for the protagonist and what force is stopping them?

The rain seems to be the antagonist since it comes between the children and their hopes to see the sun. The children in the end don't get to fully enjoy the sun due to the fact that the rain comes back.

3. What is the theme of the story? Which techniques are used in order to develop the message within this story?

The theme is that of anticipation or excitement. The children are impatient to see the sun and are so exited when they finally get to see it but in the end there is a feeling of disappointment since the time they go to enjoy it was so short. The Author uses a lot of symbolism to describe how exactly the children were behaving. He also uses symbolism to help the reader relate to the children even though it is something the reader would usually not relate to.

4. What is the author’s tone within the story? Which techniques help develop the author’s voice?

The tone of this story is dark even though it seems like a happy story the children do exclude one girl from feeling what summer is, they call their teacher a liar, and the whole thing is gloomy. The fact that the children only get to experience summer in only one day is sad. Bradbury develops this by describing how important the summer was to the kids and how disappointed they were at the end.

5. What is the crisis action in this story? Does the protagonist achieve in getting what they want? What to they realize and how do they change?

The crisis action in this story is when they realize that they left the little girl in the closet and she didn't get to experience summer. Most of the protagonist get to see the sun which is what they wanted but they realize they were wrong about it being a myth.

6. What did you enjoy about this story? (Be specific….point out specific quotes and techniques to support your answer.) 
The best part of this story was what we covered in class which was metaphors. This is a great example on how to use metaphors without it turning into a cliche, and specially if you want to describe something that is not well known by other people which is why it works in science fiction. 

Journal #5

The day was beautiful and Kelley and Rudy were doing their routine walk through the park together . They have been neighbors their whole lives and the park was their short cut home. Every day Rudy would wear the same worn out watch. Rudy checked his watch for the time.

“Hmm” Rudy said.

“What is it?” Kelley asked

“Oh, nothing… Same time as every other day.” Rudy said

“Yep, We always do walk together, I really like that watch by the way. It’s so … unique” Kelley said smiling at Rudy.

“Oh, this old thing? It’s been in my family for years. It’s been through a lot but I can always depend on it. It's been with me through a lot. Every day it is there, loyal, and beautiful." 

“Yeah, when your mind gets muddled sometimes, it’s always good to have a watch to keep by your side, and help you go through life."

“Yeah I’ve loved this watch for so long that it’s currently the most important piece of my life, I know I sound a bit cliche but this watch and I have so much history together.” Rudy said looking at Kelley's feet.

“Wow. I’ve been looking for something as meaningful to me as that watch is to you.” Kelley said looking straight at him. " I mean, it doesn't have to be a watch. It could be a purse, or a pet, or...."

“No worries. I can help you find something meaningful, like this watch is for me. Just tell me whenever you want to, remember I'll always be next to you” Rudy said pointing at his house.

“Sounds like a wonderful idea” Kelley said placing his hand in her hand.

“ A great idea” He said.